Labour landslide in UK council elections

[TheContrarian]

...after Diane Abbott counts the votes

Labour is expected to gain more than eighty million seats after Diane Abbott was asked to count the votes this morning.

Speaking in that breathy, slightly creepy way she has, Abbott declared a huge landslide for Labour across the country – with the Conservatives and SNP facing ‘complete wipeout’ based on her figures.

“Thanks to Diane’s remarkable command of mathematics, Labour have swept to victory with well over 100% of the vote nationwide,” we were told.

“We believe that the birds of the air and the fishes of the seas came forth to cast their vote for him; it’s the only way her maths can be correct.

“She says now we’ve seized the country she’ll be working up her calculations on how we can turn the observable universe into nurses and policemen for 40p each.”

When told that Labour had actually lost, Diane said she wasn’t one hundred and eleventy billion percent certain of the actual numbers but she was confident events would prove her right.

http://newsthump.com/2017/05/05/labour-wins-huge-majority-in-local-elections-after-diane-abbott-counts-the-votes/

Ah whatever, made me chuckle.

[chad sexington]

Did you notice the bit at the top of the site?

"UK Spoof News and Satire"

[Cloud3514]

Chad, you're expecting too much from Contrarian. He works too hard being a complete asshole.

[davedan]

I'm pretty sure that Contrarian knows it's satire which is why he said it made him laugh.

[TheContrarian]

Did you notice the bit at the top of the site?

"UK Spoof News and Satire"

Diane "Mao did more good than harm" Abbott, Labour MP for Hackney and SHADOW HOME SECRETARY, went on the radio to discuss Labour's new campaign pledge to recruit ten thousand new police officers.  When asked about the cost of such a plan, she quoted a figure of £300'000.  When asked how Labour planned to pick up a job lot of police officers at thirty quid a pop, the number suddenly jumped to £80 million.  I'm not quite sure how a party that's constantly bleating about a living wage can justify paying people £8000 a year (being charitable and not including money spent on training and equipment etc) but i'm sure they can make it work somehow.

This is why it's funny.  The whole fucking party is a goatfuck of epic proportions, which is why the smart money is on them getting ground into the dirt at the general election.

[chad sexington]

Chad, you're expecting too much from Contrarian. He works too hard being a complete asshole.

Shit, you're right.  For some reason my eyes just slid past the name and signature.  My bad