FSTDT Forums
Community => Religion and Philosophy => Topic started by: Eniliad on January 20, 2012, 11:15:29 am
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So, I was reading through the Funny Pics thread over in the Lounge, when ironbite posted this pie chart, I think still on page 1:
(http://img805.imageshack.us/img805/1684/94172347.jpg)
My reaction: "...what the fuck is Christwire?"
So I googled it, and of course found the Skyrim article without much trouble. It's about as accurate as you would expect. But one of the sub-pages listed directly below the first result was the article "How to spot a Masturbator":
http://christwire.org/2010/05/how-to-spot-a-masturbator/
If you haven't read it, I would; it's excellent snark bait most of the way through. It's riddled with Hard Science, and it reads just like an article written by my grandmother on the dangers of "chronic or even casual masturbators". This article is insane and hilarious at the same time. This paragraph rendered me speechless and wins a "Creepiest thing a Parent can legally do" award:
Maternal wisdom has long stated that oversleeping, locked doors, avoiding eye contact, messy beds, fear of clean underwear, long steamy showers and a pungent bleach-like odor on one’s bedsheets are all red flags of masturbation invasion. One trick passed on to me is that you can press your nose to a young man’s mattress, inhale deeply and (irregardless of the smell) announce, “That smells like semen.†If the boy’s face turns red and he runs from the room, the evidence is clear. The internet also makes it much easier for parents to identify a child’s masturbation habits.
Yeah, it means that, or it means YOU PRESSED YOUR NOSE INTO WHERE HIS CROTCH IS WHILE HE SLEEPS.
Incidentally, I have a real guide for determining if your teen son/daughter masturbates. There are two key warning signs:
1) They have a penis, or
2) They have a vagina
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Christwire is satirical.
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IT IS??? Holy crap. I had no idea. Poe's Law in effect.
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I used to be a homosexual, then I took a bible to the knee.
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Okay, having visited... any other page on the site... it's pretty obviously fake now. I managed to get the only page I could find that could be mistaken for "real" xD
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I used to be a homosexual, then I took a bible to the knee.
Ahem... linking because it's hilarious.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSDfxde8fSg
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"HOW TO SPOT A MASTURBATOR"
Look at everybody & the person in the mirror. The End! *rimshot*
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Usually there's a lot of hand motion.
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Usually there's a lot of hand motion.
And hand lotion! :D
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Only when you're around honey
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Hairy Palms...sure sign of a masturbator :P
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Do they have one of these?
(http://www.fatelines.com/Images/air_hand.jpg)
If so, they're a masturbator.
Do they not have one of those?
They probably masturbate anyways.
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I don't believe everyone masturbates. Some people have no sex drive, or a low sex drive. I didn't masturbate until I was 16. I knew what it was, I didn't think anything was wrong with it, I just didn't feel the need to do it.
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Obligatory:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wv-34w8kGPM
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I don't believe everyone masturbates. Some people have no sex drive, or a low sex drive. I didn't masturbate until I was 16. I knew what it was, I didn't think anything was wrong with it, I just didn't feel the need to do it.
Same, except I was older than 16. Older than I care to admit, actually. I'm still not sure what was up with me for all those years.
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How to spot a masturbator:
They're a human being
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I don't believe everyone masturbates. Some people have no sex drive, or a low sex drive. I didn't masturbate until I was 16. I knew what it was, I didn't think anything was wrong with it, I just didn't feel the need to do it.
Really? Because I touched myself as a kid WAY before I knew what it was. Think toddler.
Um...to clarify, DON'T think toddler while touching yourself. That would be bad.
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As long as you think but don't actually do it's ok.
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I don't believe everyone masturbates. Some people have no sex drive, or a low sex drive. I didn't masturbate until I was 16. I knew what it was, I didn't think anything was wrong with it, I just didn't feel the need to do it.
Really? Because I touched myself as a kid WAY before I knew what it was. Think toddler.
Um...to clarify, DON'T think toddler while touching yourself. That would be bad.
Now I'm reminded of that one story where a woman didn't know what her child was doing and got all freaked out and had to have a nurse explain to her what her child was doing. "Exploring".
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I don't believe everyone masturbates. Some people have no sex drive, or a low sex drive. I didn't masturbate until I was 16. I knew what it was, I didn't think anything was wrong with it, I just didn't feel the need to do it.
Really? Because I touched myself as a kid WAY before I knew what it was. Think toddler.
Um...to clarify, DON'T think toddler while touching yourself. That would be bad.
Now I'm reminded of that one story where a woman didn't know what her child was doing and got all freaked out and had to have a nurse explain to her what her child was doing. "Exploring".
I "explored" on a near-daily basis from age 2 to age 7. Then mom saw me doing it and made me stop.
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And now look at you.
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Heh, I explored a bit when I was 5... and my sex drive is very high. Coincidence?
Probably.
At any rate... let's just say I'm not worried about prostate cancer.
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Really? Because I touched myself as a kid WAY before I knew what it was. Think toddler.
Um...to clarify, DON'T think toddler while touching yourself. That would be bad.
Touching yourself to explore what's down there is different from masturbation for pleasure.
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Really? Because I touched myself as a kid WAY before I knew what it was. Think toddler.
Um...to clarify, DON'T think toddler while touching yourself. That would be bad.
Touching yourself to explore what's down there is different from masturbation for pleasure.
A lot of little kids can start doing it to explore, but quickly continue doing it because it feels good.
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Really? Because I touched myself as a kid WAY before I knew what it was. Think toddler.
Um...to clarify, DON'T think toddler while touching yourself. That would be bad.
Touching yourself to explore what's down there is different from masturbation for pleasure.
The story I mentioned was in fact a child doing it as a form of masturbation without knowing that's what it was. She just knew it 'felt good'.
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Really? Because I touched myself as a kid WAY before I knew what it was. Think toddler.
Um...to clarify, DON'T think toddler while touching yourself. That would be bad.
Touching yourself to explore what's down there is different from masturbation for pleasure.
A lot of little kids can start doing it to explore, but quickly continue doing it because it feels good.
This. To say that a kid with no sex drive doesn't masturbate would be a failure to understand human motivation in general.